I grew up in a family of adoptees. My earliest memory of consciously
knowing I was adopted was the three of us walking arms around each
other proudly stating we were adopted. It was like a super secret
club. To enhance our eliteness was the fact that my sister was French
Canadian Native American, my brother from Bangladesh, and I, from
Nepal, or so everyone thought. My father worked for UNICEF and the ethnic
make up of his family was often referred to as a
little UN. My mother is Caucasian American and had been born and raised in
India. She and my uncles and aunts from
her side shared with us, a multi-cultural identity. Unfortunately, the
beauty of our experience as
adoptees did not remain fore front. By the time we were in our late teens
experiences like loneliness, depression, self loathing and self harm,
searching for love outside oneself, and the feeling of abandonment
exacerbated by a sense of rootlessness from living in seven different
countries framed our adoption and daily life experience.
The journey around adoption has been life long. My conscious intention
about this journey, however, has come and gone throughout my life
sometimes in joy and sometimes in pain. About six months ago I returned to
it from a place of joy and deeper intention. I was at the highest point of
manifestation. I had just completed my life coaching certification and was
ready to come out from behind the protection of an institutional
professional life to proudly launch my own business. After growing up a
child of ill health, due to a neurological condition, I had learned to
work intuitively and through the means of energy medicine to manage my
health. I had broken through my limiting beliefs around trust and love and
as a result my marriage had reincarnated to a new level. I had taken the
last several years to understand myself as a woman of color in a
predominantly white adoptive family and US cultural system. I felt rooted
in my cultural identity as an African, Asian and US American.
I was poised to flourish. And then a lack
of clarity hit me. I
grappled for several weeks until it came to me. My ability to full blossom
without reservation would come about more fully and more effortlessly if I
understood the Asian piece of my identity and my birth mother. All the
wonderful manifestations of my life would be patiently waiting in the
wings until I had this added depth of understanding. And so my journey
continued with this intention.
Like many seeking information about their origins in India, I have had
little concrete information to go on. I was told I born out of wedlock in
Kalimpong India and had Nepali heritage. A month after my birth I arrived
at the Sister's of Charity orphanage in Darjeeling. My
adoptive parents were on vacation five months later and through the aid of
Mother Therese I obtained an Indian passport which states I was born in
Calcutta and was adopted. In the past six months I have had contact with
the Sister's of Charity but they have not been able to provide me with any
further concrete information.
Therefore, I have taken a slightly different path. I have worked with a
Medic Intuitive and through her intuitive capabilities I have learned my
birth story. My birth mom, a teenage bride from the highest caste in
India, Brahmin, was promised in marriage to a man of prominence. However,
she was in love, with my birth father, which was
from the second to lowest caste, a Shudra, poor and without much social
standing. I was born premature, and upon birth, the women in my family
system carted me away and I traveled for many days with a wet nurse. My
birth mom, devastated, went on to marry the man she was promised to. She
has had a very good financial life surrounded by
much familial love from her five children. My birth dad, being socially
and economically disenfranchised by my birthmother's
family, remains an equivalent of a day laborer and he too is married. He
has five children as well. I do not have the exact location of the town
they live in but it is in the region of India between Calcutta and
Hyderabad closer towards the east coast. My birth is the family secret. I
know there is not a day that goes by that my birth mom and my grandma
don't think about me.
I spent the first 3 months of this intuitive period doing daily heart
mediation where I would communicate on a soul level with my birth mom. I
also have a journal that I write letters to her in. I do not know yet if I
will be able to confirm what I have learned intuitively through concrete
terms. What I do know is that my journey feels empowering, miraculous and
I am learning a lot. I have no doubt that those initial nine months in our
birthmother's womb teach us all about
how to feel our way through the world. It is that sense of knowing and
resonance in my body, heart and soul that shows me I am on the right path
for me. My daily heart mediation gave me a particular place in my life for
my birth mom and birth family. Having that
place cleared up a lot of emotional confusion.
For the first time I could go to family reunions with my extended family
and in laws and feel like I could genuinely participate because the
wrenching panic and pain in my abdomen of loss no longer came up out of
seemingly nowhere. By taking care of my relationship with my birth mom and
birth family, I had a clearer ability to cherish and engage in all my
other family relationships without feeling like I had one foot in and one
foot out. I can give them all
of myself and in an undivided manner because I am not hiding some part of
myself.
Knowing I am from India makes a lot of sense. I never looked Nepali. My
extreme anxiety and anger while living in India for seven years of my life
makes sense now. When I first got married, I didn't allow myself the
experience of a "honeymoon" period. I told myself, I needed to treat this
relationship like an arranged marriage. I would learn to love over time.
It always felt strange to me that of all the cultural aspects I could have
embodied from my time in India this is the one I latched onto and in a
very defiant way. On one hand I had the romantic notion that my husband
was the "one" and on the other hand I entered in from a place of duty and
obligation. I understand now that I carried on the generational trauma of
my mother who was both in love and carrying out her duty at the time of my
birth. Knowing my heritage is Indian,
allows me to go back to my experiences in India with a new lenses and
appreciation for my time there because I know this will come to my aid if
I should have the privilege of doing the very difficult and meaningful
work of engaging with my birth mom's family system. I understand now why I
continue to work at a job that puts me in the position of transforming
cross cultural conflict every day. This is my training ground should I
meet my family of origin.
A huge ah ha moment for me was when it sunk in that I was a first born in
both of my birth families. In my adoptive family I grew up the youngest.
And I am very good a being the youngest when I want to. However, time and
time again, I have stepped up to meet family obligations, be the
communicator, the facilitator, and sometimes the face of my immediate
adoptive family system. Like many first born India children I have often
aligned closely with my desires and goals of my adoptive family. For
years, I struggled with this, blaming others for putting me in this role,
and at other times, valuing the clarity of self I experienced in being in
this role. So much of the underlying and unsaid conflict between me and
siblings suddenly made sense. About a week after I understood that I am a
first born, I had the beautiful experience of showing up in a situation
with the confidence of this role. My grandma's husband passed away and
when there was no one who could immediately be with her right after his
passing, I got on a plane and went to be with her for the weekend. There
was no resentment or doubt about why I would not go. For the first time I
did not feel overwhelmed by my role. I was able to do my duty out of love
and then return to other aspects of my life with
no compromise to self but rather a depth in my confidence and relationship
to family.
Lastly, one of the most important questions in this process has been what
is my soul purpose for being separated from my birth mom at birth?
Understanding my larger purpos helps me in my moments of doubt, clearing
out grief or myopic vision. The answer to this question is clear: to learn
how to individuate in this lifetime and to have a chance to travel both of
which would not have been possible in the family system I was born into.
Both have been possible
through the blessings of my adoptive experience. I am also clear that my
journey through intuitive means to my birth mom is an avenue for me to
develop my intuitive abilities. What I gain through this journey will
allow me to practice my highest version of myself as a healer in many
arenas through my life. I will continue to engage with my birth mom and my
origins both intuitively as I start this new phase of finding other
concrete avenues I can pursue. It will be the icing on the cake should I
meet her and my birthfather in person. If I should not I would be deeply
disappointed and at the same time deeply thankful for all the
richness I have gained a long the way and that the learning I am gaining
now is as important as any thing I perceive as the final out come. Thought
is the fastest form of creation and therefore I am complete in my
relationship to self, others and multiple families I have the honor of
being a part of in this life time.
Jhorna Hochstedler
Portland, OR